Who knew that being an unemployed minister could be so exhausting?  I don't know how I ever had time to hold down a real job.  Between working with my husband on the music career effort, homeschooling my daughter, and trying to keep life moving forward while preparing to move, it's just kind of relentless.  I spoke with a woman today who has been assigned to us as a homeschool resource person.  We've never met and as I gave her a brief overview of our current situation, she said it sounded like our lives were "fraught" with possibilities.  It was a perfect description.  "Fraught":  full of or accompanied by problems, dangers or difficulties; full of or expressing nervous tension and anxiety.  Possibilities and peril, potential and pitfalls.  It's all there.  

     We continue in leap mode.  The church kindly extended our stay in the parsonage until the end of March giving Mick time to continue rehearsing and recording with his band.  We hope to be able to solidify that musical relationship so that it can better withstand a move.  I've also found a small income source in typing manuscripts of congressional hearings, etc. for a company in DC - it's something I can do from home on a flexible schedule.  And, I'm meeting with a small group of folks who are picking up pieces of dreams/visions that God had been planting in Calvert County to open a Fair Trade gift/coffeeshop/bakery that would also serve as a training opportunity for people with special challenges in their lives - i.e. disabilities, single parenting, etc.  After only 3 meetings, we've knocked together a mission statement, found a space to rent, and initiated the process of becoming a nonprofit organization.  I don't know if I will still be in the area when it opens, but I am following my usual pattern of going with the "yes" until God says "no."  Whether or not I am able to deal with our housing question in order to stay and continue working with this group, it is unbelievably enlivening to sit around a table with people who are simply, sensibly, humorously, enjoyably, determinedly, faithfully committed to making something happen.  Very refreshing.  

   As I continue to do my nightly Bible readings, I discover Jacob cheating Esau out of his birthright and blessing, Laban cheating Jacob out of a wife and years of labor, Rachel stealing Laban's household gods, Joseph driving everyone crazy with his ego, his brothers selling him off to become a slave in Egypt, then Joseph getting back at them by framing them for theft.  Not exactly "Touched by an Angel."  Yet, in the midst of this human messiness, somehow God continues to be made known.  Each person's story is "fraught" with the possibility of grace, of forgiveness, of becoming, of love.  

   My life is a mess.  But it is a mess fraught with holy possibilities.

It's 2:30 a.m. - a few days into the new year.  I'm not sleeping, but it's not due to stress for a change.  This time, I think it's more a sense of wonder.  A comment from a reader leaves me wondering why I feel the way that I do, while at the same time filling me with gratitude that I do. I responded to him personally, but felt that others might have a similar reaction to these writings of mine, so I might as well address them in a more public way.  I think I have perhaps experienced something of what the commenter felt years ago when I attended some clergy workshop on caring for yourself, or beating stress, or finding your spiritual center, or something like that.  I remember leaving in an angry mood, certain that the person speaking knew nothing about my life, and clearly didn't have the issues and responsibilities that I had, or they would know that their path to wholeness and wellbeing was a luxury I couldn't afford.  Rather than giving me hope, I felt burdened by their belief that somehow I had it in me to create the space needed for this spiritual enhancement.  So, I went home feeling less cared for, more stressed, and further from my spiritual center.

The commenter wrote: "We look to our religious leaders for something more than theories, biblical regurgitations... and cosmic "If...Then" statements..."  I agree, which is why I decided to quit my job, give up our home, and live my hope in the here and now.  I've not been all that impressed with how the world is progressing, so I thought I'd actually try it Jesus' way for a while.  The commenter asked for details regarding the promised abundance.  I have to admit that Jesus is rather famously vague on details - I don't think he considered them important.  In fact, I don't think he considered them at all.  When one is seeking to live within the intimate presence of the Creator of the universe, the source of life and love, somehow the details lose their relevance.  There was no cost-benefit analysis in my decision to take this path.  I may end up in a more financially disastrous place than I already am, and my children may have to pay for their own college education (my older one already is working fulltime while attending school - and doing a damn fine job of it - we are enormously proud of her.)  Life could very definitely become much much harder than it is right now, but I am banking on the fact that growing closer to God and attuning my spirit more closely with the Spirit, will make my life much much more meaningful and joy-filled.  I am also trusting that God loves the rest of my family even more than I do and will continue to be present with them as well.

This is not to suggest that every person out there needs to leave their jobs, or family, or even their annuity funds (whatever those are) to become one with God.  (And, one final note to the commenter: losing one's job or wife or savings account through life circumstances is not the same as choosing to make changes for the betterment of the soul and service to God.  I don't believe that God yanks people or resources out of people's lives in order to get their attention.  Who wants mopey, resentful followers?)  This is just my story.  If it is helpful to anyone else - as we used to say in my youth group - Yippee Yippee Yahweh!  If not, I pray that you too will find a path, a story, a faith that makes sense to you and that compels you to explore.  Happy New Year. 

p.s. It's been a long time since I read the Bible for any reason other than sermon prep, so I'm using "The Daily Message: Through the Bible in One Year" by Eugene Peterson.  It's a paraphrase, not a strict translation, but nicely arranged, and has a pretty ribbon to mark my page.  It's the little things....